I Have Abandonment Issues

Right now I'm sitting in the bathroom of my apartment, wrapped up like a burrito in a blanket to preserve what little warmth I have left, shivering in front of my laptop, writing this post simply because I have nothing better to do and there's no way I can sleep tonight.

I'm in the bathroom because it's the best place to get internet access in the apartment, I'm a burrito because it's cold as ice in here, it's cold in here because the window is cracked so the wi-fi cord can be dangled out of it to get better internet. I'm doing this instead of sleeping because I can't sleep at night when the Hedgehog is away from home.

I should be used to it, he leaves once a month for drills because he's in the military, so I for nearly six months I've spent a weekend alone every month, yet every time I find that the apartment is suddenly strange and I can't sleep. I turn on all the lights and normally just sit on the bed, watching television or reading until the sun goes up and I can at last curl up into a ball and sleep in the safety of the morning sunlight.

Well, tonight he's staying over at his mom's 'cause he's hanging out with his little sister tomorrow.

Logically I know that there's nothing wrong with that, but I can't help but feel... abandoned. It's a feeling I can't put a name to, really. I don't know where it's coming from, or why I'm feeling it, but... I'm lonely and alone and I can't help but to remember... Awful things.

I remember being little and having my aunt tell me no one would love me, that they couldn't stand to be around me, that they would do anything they could to get away from me. In a weird way my dad confirmed it. All the times I ran away and he knew where I was but never came to tell me to come back home, because "it wouldn't change your mind". Yeah, well, that's not the point, dad, the point is that you care enough to try... They're horrible memories, and I feel awful remembering them, imparting their sadness to other people, but...

I sit here in the bathroom,  wrapped up as a burrito, lonely, feeling, for inexplicable reasons, abandoned and unwanted... How can I feel this way over nothing? He's just hanging with his sister, I know that, and I hate feeling like I'm being clingy, 'cause I'm scared of pushing him away. It's just so silly! Knowing that sometime tomorrow my Hedgehog will come home to me and I was feeling this way for nothing. I was just being stupid and petty and selfish.

On the bright side, at least I have a blog now to keep me busy.