Life's A Bitch Sometimes

And that's pretty much the one truth of the universe. Life sucks, and then one day we die, and hope the afterlife doesn't suck too. I mean, really. Wouldn't that just suck ass?

You get to heaven to find out that the rules there are nothing like you thought they would be? No happiness forever, but instead living by some crazy ancient codes of conduct that involve you being forced to do absoultely nothing, not even play, on Sunday's, and you can't eat most foods...

Or for the majority of people, you get there and find out that the Muslims or the Jews had it right and you were the one worshipping the wrong god. Or, an even bigger blow! You "wake up" on the shores of a river and don't have the money to get across, and when you finally beg your way, this guy won't let you through the gate!

The three heads of Cerberus: Serious Bidniss, Apathy, and OHHAIIDARE!

No, but seriously, this post isn't about me being all emo some more. Pfft, I'm over that shit now. I'm doing my best to be happy, fuck it all and to hell with my depression. This post is about life sucking for other people, most specifically these two.

These guys are friends of mine and the Hedgehog, they've come up in at least one post before... I'll get that picture, too. Mostly so you can see the difference between pictures and such.

See, they're engaged, and back when I first met them lived together in Charlotte going to a graphics school. They're great, absolutely great, funny and kinda awesome, and we can talk for hours about nothing. It's cool being able to be friends with another couple, and it's probably one of the benefits of having a girlfriend that the Hedgehog didn't think of...? I mean, people change when they're in relationships that last longer, and guys especially, and suddenly you can't just hang out with your single friends because you realize they're crazy as shit.

For me though, it's nice being able to be friends with someone who's friends with my Hedgehog, I get to know more about him, since he's not the kind to really talk about himself much.

Anyway, onto the sucky part. So despite being sweet and awesome, she... Wait, I really need names for them if I'm going to keep going with this... Um... Dammit.

I could call her Giggles, because she laughs easily, but that makes me feel like an idiot, and... I am not, I repeat NOT, calling him Ginger. Screw that... I normally give people nicknames I either call them in real life or that they kinda earn by being themselves. So I guess I can't name them just yet...

Anyway, they were staying with his mom down here because she got kicked out of her mom's house, and despite cooking and cleaning, his mom said she didn't do anything around the house and kicked her out. That's the short of it at least, the long involves them being held hostage for five hours while his mom demanded his fiancee's engagement ring...

So now they're both staying with us. Currently sleeping on the floor to be precise. I've been there before, so I know the blow to your pride you get... Hopefully we can get them up on their feet soon... Now to get back to looking for a job.

I Had a Thought

My art is gonna suck until I relearn this...

This might not come as a surprise to a lot of you, but... I think I've been depressed. All this time, without me knowing it, I've been toeing the line on depression, and I had no idea. It explains a lot... I kept trying to be normal, but it kept backfiring: I got absorbed with the internet and neglected everything as a way to pretend my problems weren't there, and the blog was sorta like... this crazy way for me to TRY to do something good and normal, but at the same time, it too was backfiring at me.

I started treating the blog like this whole crazy job. If I could post a day, then I was normal. It explains why I suddenly stopped: days were adding up, the longer without, the less normal I felt, the harder it was to pretend... But I think I'm okay now. I talked with the Hedgehog, played a little bit of FF XII, wrote a little, and even cleaned up the apartment all on my own because I wanted to.

Afterwards I felt kind of... refreshed and cleansed, and happy, like I'd cleaned myself. I think I'm gonna try again, but it's gonna be some slow work...

But I still have a long way to go before I'm ever "normal". You just don't go through what I did growing up and come out the otherside normal. Sure, I put on my brave face and act fine, but I'm pretty damaged in the head, and I don't think any amount of acting is gonna cover that. I've been betrayed and abandoned, hurt and abused, and despite learning to survive, I never learned how to live. I don't know how to laugh and smile around strangers, I don't know how to walk out into the world on my own, at least not without someone beside me or some kind of crazy stubborn/prideful streak driving me to do it.

So I'm gonna start over again, from the top, starting slow. No rushing in. Just you, me, this blog, and me trying to be funny and trying to get a job. And maybe a haircut, because seriously, look at my hair now, and look at my hair from my first post... that is realtime hair growth, people.

I Am Sadface

It's kinda funny to be posting here after my month or so long hiatus... I guess it's because I never knew what to say? It's not really that there was nothing to say, because I had tons of opportunities... Every time me and the Hedgehog went to Wal-Mart and we saw a new Kit something, something I'd been planning on doing weekly... My overly ambitious 25 Awesome Legend of Zelda things post, even editing Cathrin's stupid story... I could've talked about how weird it was having the Terror finally treat me normally at Christmas, or how I finally got the courage to talk to the Hedgehog's family...

I could've talked about Ichibancon and how much fun I had, or about how Hunny's been acting selfishly and seems to not take as much interest in her friends anymore and how that's been bothering me. I could've talked about how I first met the Hedgehog, or said something on his birthday. I could've let him know how much I love him on Valentine's Day; I could've let him know I cared for him, and was thinking about him, and how much I hoped his grandfather would get better when he was in the hospital. I could've said something when his grandfather died, about how my heart went out to him, how I've been there, I know how it feels...

I could've mentioned the toxic shock syndrome scare, and how stupid hospitals are, or when my dad went missing and I was scared...

When I started learning to join the Kemetic Orthodoxy I could've posted. I could've joined the Wiccan blog project. I could've talked about how I got interested in Homestuck...

The truth is, the longer I went without posting, the worse I felt about doing it, and about myself. I'm not confident, though I try to be, and I'm not very brave, I guess... Looking at life around me, I put things off for as long as I can, and then I give it up, because I know I won't do it. It's how I've lived here this long and still not gotten a job, I do everything I can to not do what I have to do.

You have to admit, you didn't give me a reason to keep this blog up. No one cared what I wrote about, no one left comments, no one showed interest. I wanted a place to vent my spleen, sure, and this was fine for that, but... only my friends were reading it, and since they appeared in all of my posts basically... I started to get afraid, chicken out. I wanted to say something, and thought of them reading it...

I guess I'm posting this now because I know it'll get read, that the Hedgehog will read it... It's the only way I could ever say this to him. I'm sorry I'm so pathetic and weak, that I can't stand up for myself, and I'm too afraid to go outside; I'm sorry I'm broken and useless... But it hurts so much more because I keep thinking you're ashamed of me. It doesn't help that you don't let me be there for you, that you exclude me from things... Maybe it wouldn't bother me so much if I were stronger, but when you disappear to go spend time with family, I can't help but feel I'm being left  behind because you're ashamed of me. I'm weird and cagey, and I barely speak, and when I do I talk too loud and say things I shouldn't...

But I love you, and I left the house despite trying to talk myself out of it, and I'm saying things I'm saying things I'd never say, even if they are kinda not to your face... The point is, I'm trying, but I need your help; I'm broken, and I won't get fixed on my own. Treating me this way isn't helping. That's... all I have to say...

Butter Dean

It’s a well known fact around our apartment that Paula Dean scares me.

I'm Paula Dean, ya'll!

On television there’s nothing wrong with the Butter lady, except maybe her addiction to butter.

Come on, people! She makes cakes that call for two and half cups of butter, and puts at least two tablespoons in everything! She has something called Gooey Butter Cake that is essentially a pile of buttery pudding that used to be cake mix! That isn't to say her food probably doesn't taste good, and I'm sure it does, and I don't hate her as a person, it's just that, well... her face is terrifying.

I mean, I’ve been made fun of in the past for being like her; it’s the curse of being a southern cook. Making veggies? Tablespoon of butter. Making rice? Two tablespoons. Making a grilled cheese? Butter for the pan and some Duke's mayonaise on the inside for flavor. Making a homemade cake? Melted butter for that. Making my famous cookies? Well, I use oil and honey... Frying eggs? Okay, I use olive oil.

I've got some confused DNA...

Hey, I’m part Italian, too. (And Irish and Romani and Native American and Swedish and German…)

"All this cake took was two cups of butter and your soul."

Anyway, Paula seems like she’s a nice lady on tv, but her magazines all have her with these perfectly white, straight, teeth and these wide pale blue eyes; the result is a set of soul stealing eyes and teeth that look set to rend your flesh from their very bones. I die a little inside every time I look at her that way; and I know she doesn’t look that way,  because if you catch a picture of her when her face is too far back, you can see that she has normal blue eyes, and on her cookware you can even see normal colored teeth that are slightly crooked in the front and natural.

Butter face terries me. Sorry guys, I’ll come up with a butter pun next time. Pfft…

Moving right along… Last night I made veggies for dinner, and the Hedgehog said, “Alright now, Paula  Dean.” Well, when I went to reply back to him, I accidently called her “Butter Dean”… Not one to let me live anything down (he certainly never let me live down “fub” or “bake-ed”), the Hedgehog informed me that my new nickname was Butter Dean.

I promptly died.

And then he made butter puns for the next ten minutes, I don’t think I’ll ever forgive him for this.

"You'll change your mind once I butter you up."

My Man Cooks AND Makes Fire, What Can Yours Do?

I have to say, I managed to land myself a pretty good man. I mean, seriously! He's absoulutely awesome and I can't even begin to think of what I did to deserve him or how many karma points I had to cash in to get him. Really! The Hedgehog is fairly clean, hilarious, jokes around constantly but knows when to be serious, sometimes looks at me and announces I'm gorgeous for no reason, surprises me almost constantly, and on top of it all he can cook!

Maybe he's not a world famous chef, but for a man he can cook really good food. This is a man who definitely knows his way around a kitchen and how to rock it. I'm talking these really delicious meals, much better than the macaroni and cheese, omelets, or everything grilled my dad used to cook growing up; and aside from the incident last week he caught the stove on fire, there's been absolutely no problems with him in the kitchen. It was totally an accident, too; I told him not to use the front burner, turkey grease has spilled on it and was smoking, but neither of us thought it would catch fire, so... I mean, in a way it's actually my fault, since I didn't clean it after it happened and I'm the only one who knows how to take the stove eye apart.

Hallway Children

 We were expecting the Alien to come by today, so this morning when someone knocked lightly on the door, me and the Hedgehog assumed it was him. Yawning, I sat up as the Hedgehog looked out our peephole.

Instantly his face changed, and he turned and came back, laying back down, informing me that we needed to be quiet now. Confused,  I got up and went to the door myself, peering out into the hallway.

I recognized that girl.  She was one of the hallway children who bothered me a lot. Yesterday she’d been bothering me about a phone… Aside from that one time I let the neighbors have a cup of sugar, we’ve never  shown any  willingness to give them things, so it seems really weird that they always ask us for stuff. Constantly. Groaning, I let out a sigh and went to the bathroom.

But the knocking never stopped. Every other moment there was another, soft, but very insistent knocking from our door. It was constant, never ending… This girl wasn’t giving up, she was determined someone was opening that door. Something came over me: my mind started whirling, my heart started pounding, and I knew if I didn’t get back soon and take care of the problem, the Hedgehog might lose his own temper.

So when I came out of the bathroom, I opened the door, looked her in the eye, and said, “The Hedgehog doesn’t get  home till after midnight and we don’t go to bed till after four, so if you don’t want us knocking incessantly at your door at 4am, could you please stop?”

She stared at me, silent, bewildered, until finally... “Can I borrow the phone?”

Eyebrow twitch. “No.” And I shut the door.

After I settled myself back in next to the Hedgehog to go to sleep, he informed me, “I wouldn’t have been so nice.” I smiled though. Maybe not, but I still felt kinda badass.

Thanksgiving

So I couldn't come up with a way to get out of going with the Hedgehog to his mom's house today. Mostly it was because he was so damned supportive and told me to stop freaking out. See, one of the benefits of this blog is that, as a socially awkward person who's terrified of confrontation, I can put my thoughts up here that I could never say aloud, because writing on the internet doesn't scare me as much.

Because on the internet, I feel like a boss.

This means the Hedgehog saw my last post, laughed at the thought of me trying to sneak off, told me I was ridiculous, and we had a normal conversation about how I should handle Thanksgiving today.

I felt like someone going into battle...

So I spent the whole day laughing with his step-sisters, both of which are either just going into high school or already are, but both of them are hilarious and awesome so it doesn't matter, and I pretty much felt like I actually fit in for once, aside from some awkwardness. See, I met them before and they make me feel comfortable, so I'm just fine with them.

... Whaddaya know...? This isn't so bad...! Whooo!

When it came time to come home, however, both the Hedgehog's mom and the Terror's mom offered to drive us. At the same time. In the same car. I thought this would be the confrontation I'd been expecting...

Oh gods...

Except it never happened...



Surprisingly, this makes me feel worse.

But they're driving the Hedgehog to work, so I'm almost positive it's happening there... or worse, they'll drive back and talk to me... alone... without the Hedgehog... oh gods...
Edit: It's been 45 minutes, so they're not coming back.

Still terrified.

In fact, the only thing I do know at this point, is that there's a 99% chance I won't be watching the Terror ever again...


... She's my Chick Pea...

Edit: Okay, so they didn't talk to the Hedgehog either... but even he agreed it was suspicious and he'd been a little weirded out when they didn't talk to us on the way home.

So How Does That Movie E-

So this weekend I was washing dishes in our tiny sink when the door opens, the Hedgehog walks in, looks at me, and announces that I'm naked.

 Well, since I wasn't, I answered back that, well, I wasn't. This was a good thing, because out in the hallway, the Hedgehog had brought along friends, specifically, a friend of his from high school and his girl. Well, I was pretty happy about this. I mean, I happen to like the two of them. They didn't say anything bad about me after I fell asleep on the couch the last time they were in town and slept through getting to hang out, and they like Yu-Gi-Oh.

After finishing the dishes and getting dressed (I was in my pjs, after all), we went out to Wal-Mart to hang out for a while. Well, while the Hedgehog and his friend walked around looking at stuff, I stalked the Hedgehog from the shadows and tried on numerous attempts to assassinate him. At one point I chased him through the toy section with a foam sword!

Once we were done risking getting kicked out of Wal-Mart, we went over to watch a movie with them, specifically Puss in Boots. We got all the way to the very end, all the way to the point where they're on the bridge... when the bootlegged disk had no more movie to show... So we made fun of the Soprano's and went home. It was an awesome day.

You Know You Play Too Much Assassin's Creed When...

I’m a bit of a clingy person, I can’t help it, really… Abandonment issues and all. The Hedgehog normally handles it very well, especially when it means right before he leaves I follow his every single movement from about a foot away from him at farthest, following him as he puts on his shoes and coat and gets ready to leave for work.

Hi! I was just following you from three inches away as you moved to get your keys!

The other day however, he got a little upset and demanded to know what I was  doing. Without thinking my  first reply was,  “Stalking you.” … And thus the greatest game ever was born.

You have no idea what's about to happen!

I crept in closer and moved quietly, following him as he crossed in front of the bed. “You’re not doing a very good job, I’ve noticed you.” He told me,  but I was undeterred: “Of course you have, it’s just the two of us in here.”

... Would you notice me if we were in a crowded room...?

Aw crap, it's flashing yellow... time to blend...

Well, since he had spotted me, I ducked behind something as he went to the closet, bowing my head and pressing my hands together to blend, peeking ever so  often around the corner to check on him. A couple of times he looked at me and laughed, but that was only because he had yet to realize he was my  target.

... What's he doing by that closet...?

No, seriously, what's he doing?

Finally he kept his back turned long enough that I could make my move. Quickly and silently I darted across the room, flicking out my hidden blade and aiming for his throat, but at the last second he suddenly turned, driving a dagger into my upper thigh. How could I not have seen that he was an assassin as well?

Getting hit in the leg does hurt...

Especially with a knife.

 I lost my balance and fell into him, trying one last time to take out my target, thrusting my  hidden blade for his throat, but I had been exposed!

Yikes! And away!

Where's a bale of hay when you need one?

 I fled quickly and hid myself, waiting until surely my target had forgotten...

Boop!

Resynchronization and my wounds heal!

 At which point I strode back out…

... What's he doing...?

My sync bar senses something...

But now he was flinging throwing knives at me from across the room! One hit me in the stomach, the other my shoulder, while another grazed my leg. I was injured, but no vital spots had been hit, I would get him yet!

Markers can hurt.

In reality I would've bled to death later...

As I lunged for him he grabbed a sword and swung it,  but I blocked it with my hidden blade, then grabbed the sword and pushed it away, pulling out my own short blade with which to do battle. But then he pulled out a small knife and we paused the game for a moment because I didn’t wanna hurt him or get hurt with real weapons, so he traded the blade for nun chucks made of Wii remotes.

He dropped those quickly however and went for the door, grabbing up a book. I followed him though and shanked him quickly… but he was civilian, worse, a holy man! How had this happened?

I'm changing the rules mid-game!

...

So I stalked him a bit and decided he needed to be interrogated…

I can't shank you, but I can punch you!

TELL ME WHAT YOU KNOW!