I Am Sadface

It's kinda funny to be posting here after my month or so long hiatus... I guess it's because I never knew what to say? It's not really that there was nothing to say, because I had tons of opportunities... Every time me and the Hedgehog went to Wal-Mart and we saw a new Kit something, something I'd been planning on doing weekly... My overly ambitious 25 Awesome Legend of Zelda things post, even editing Cathrin's stupid story... I could've talked about how weird it was having the Terror finally treat me normally at Christmas, or how I finally got the courage to talk to the Hedgehog's family...

I could've talked about Ichibancon and how much fun I had, or about how Hunny's been acting selfishly and seems to not take as much interest in her friends anymore and how that's been bothering me. I could've talked about how I first met the Hedgehog, or said something on his birthday. I could've let him know how much I love him on Valentine's Day; I could've let him know I cared for him, and was thinking about him, and how much I hoped his grandfather would get better when he was in the hospital. I could've said something when his grandfather died, about how my heart went out to him, how I've been there, I know how it feels...

I could've mentioned the toxic shock syndrome scare, and how stupid hospitals are, or when my dad went missing and I was scared...

When I started learning to join the Kemetic Orthodoxy I could've posted. I could've joined the Wiccan blog project. I could've talked about how I got interested in Homestuck...

The truth is, the longer I went without posting, the worse I felt about doing it, and about myself. I'm not confident, though I try to be, and I'm not very brave, I guess... Looking at life around me, I put things off for as long as I can, and then I give it up, because I know I won't do it. It's how I've lived here this long and still not gotten a job, I do everything I can to not do what I have to do.

You have to admit, you didn't give me a reason to keep this blog up. No one cared what I wrote about, no one left comments, no one showed interest. I wanted a place to vent my spleen, sure, and this was fine for that, but... only my friends were reading it, and since they appeared in all of my posts basically... I started to get afraid, chicken out. I wanted to say something, and thought of them reading it...

I guess I'm posting this now because I know it'll get read, that the Hedgehog will read it... It's the only way I could ever say this to him. I'm sorry I'm so pathetic and weak, that I can't stand up for myself, and I'm too afraid to go outside; I'm sorry I'm broken and useless... But it hurts so much more because I keep thinking you're ashamed of me. It doesn't help that you don't let me be there for you, that you exclude me from things... Maybe it wouldn't bother me so much if I were stronger, but when you disappear to go spend time with family, I can't help but feel I'm being left  behind because you're ashamed of me. I'm weird and cagey, and I barely speak, and when I do I talk too loud and say things I shouldn't...

But I love you, and I left the house despite trying to talk myself out of it, and I'm saying things I'm saying things I'd never say, even if they are kinda not to your face... The point is, I'm trying, but I need your help; I'm broken, and I won't get fixed on my own. Treating me this way isn't helping. That's... all I have to say...

I Obviously Have Anger Problems.

I AM AN ANGRY BURRITO!

 Something strange and inevitable happens every time the Hedgehog leaves me for an extended amount of time. AKA: any time longer than work hours, provided that during that time I haven't had anything to keep my mind occupied from how bored and lonely and fubbing hungry I am!

Pictured here: boredom.

It's still cold in the apartment, the neighbors are assholes who yell all day, I barely got any sleep at all because I can't sleep without my eejit, and we haven't gone grocery shopping so I've been saving the food until he gets home so we can both eat dinner. Except, we won't both eat dinner, because he's been out with his family all day, and he's probably already eaten... except if I eat the food then he'll probably come home and wonder where it is...

Oh, gods! What do I do?!

It's stupid and silly, and I don't know why it happens, but I always wind up angry at him the day the Hedgehog is set to come home. Something inside me gets all tense and upset, and nothing I can do will make it stop. Why am I so mad? I have no idea. But I know when he comes through that door I'll be tense and snappy and uppity with him, and he'll want to know what's wrong with me.

And you know what? I won't know. I've spent most of the day sitting around being bored or playing on the internet, trying to keep busy and distracted, with only his return to look forward to... but the longer I wait the less excited I feel and the more angry I get. I don't know why, it just happens. If I could explain it then maybe it wouldn't bother me so much...

... He has no idea that I'm trying to ignore him...

Instead of being happy I'll just get short with him, and instead of snuggling up to him, I'll roll away and be angry silently while he lays there and plays his dammed video games.... but you know what? I'll sleep peacefully.

I Have Abandonment Issues

Right now I'm sitting in the bathroom of my apartment, wrapped up like a burrito in a blanket to preserve what little warmth I have left, shivering in front of my laptop, writing this post simply because I have nothing better to do and there's no way I can sleep tonight.

I'm in the bathroom because it's the best place to get internet access in the apartment, I'm a burrito because it's cold as ice in here, it's cold in here because the window is cracked so the wi-fi cord can be dangled out of it to get better internet. I'm doing this instead of sleeping because I can't sleep at night when the Hedgehog is away from home.

I should be used to it, he leaves once a month for drills because he's in the military, so I for nearly six months I've spent a weekend alone every month, yet every time I find that the apartment is suddenly strange and I can't sleep. I turn on all the lights and normally just sit on the bed, watching television or reading until the sun goes up and I can at last curl up into a ball and sleep in the safety of the morning sunlight.

Well, tonight he's staying over at his mom's 'cause he's hanging out with his little sister tomorrow.

Logically I know that there's nothing wrong with that, but I can't help but feel... abandoned. It's a feeling I can't put a name to, really. I don't know where it's coming from, or why I'm feeling it, but... I'm lonely and alone and I can't help but to remember... Awful things.

I remember being little and having my aunt tell me no one would love me, that they couldn't stand to be around me, that they would do anything they could to get away from me. In a weird way my dad confirmed it. All the times I ran away and he knew where I was but never came to tell me to come back home, because "it wouldn't change your mind". Yeah, well, that's not the point, dad, the point is that you care enough to try... They're horrible memories, and I feel awful remembering them, imparting their sadness to other people, but...

I sit here in the bathroom,  wrapped up as a burrito, lonely, feeling, for inexplicable reasons, abandoned and unwanted... How can I feel this way over nothing? He's just hanging with his sister, I know that, and I hate feeling like I'm being clingy, 'cause I'm scared of pushing him away. It's just so silly! Knowing that sometime tomorrow my Hedgehog will come home to me and I was feeling this way for nothing. I was just being stupid and petty and selfish.

On the bright side, at least I have a blog now to keep me busy.