The Thief's Horde: I Will Never Be a Housewife (Or an adult)

For a full year I lived at a place called the Church of God Children’s Home. It was one of the worst experiences I’ve ever had in my entire life. It was literally an orphanage run by Holy Rollers (not exaggerating, in the church they forced me to go I experienced these things: )

Because apparently only possessed people cry in church...

... I really wish this wasn't an exact quote...

Anyway, at this orphanage they tried to force me to be an adult. It wasn’t so bad, the place was so clean all I had to do was wash my clothes once a week, on my designated washing day, wash my own dishes, sweep my floor, keep my things put up, and make my bed.

That wasn’t so hard, really. Maintaining something is easy when you yourself never make much of a mess, of course… The Home treated it all like a life or death situation…

"But I was running late for school..."
"NO EXCUSES!"

"I just finished eating..."
"NO EXCUSES!"

"You tracked it in..."
"NO EXCUSES!"

My everyday was like this. It was pretty horrible. I was expected to be perfect at every single thing I did and if I showed weakness for even a second then it was dragged in front of me and everyone else so they could see it too. Eventually they kicked me out for, and I quote, “being immature, unreliable, untidy, a slacker, unmotivated, you never take responsibility for your actions, failure to comply or conform…” They even tried to call me out on the incident with the Halloween Cat

Despite all of that, however, I felt like I knew how to survive on my own. After all, they had nitpicked at me and had only pointed out the few times I'd failed, over all I had succeed at 90% of the things they claimed I needed to know to be an adult. It was only after I moved in with the Hedgehog that I learned that, while I’m perfectly capable of keeping my room clean, that they definitely were not preparing me for the reality of being an adult living with someone.

I fail at being a housewife.

Yes, yes you do...

I’m good at taking care of my own mess, but living at the Home had never prepared me for the fact that I would be one day living with and taking care of the messes of someone else. So the apartment tends to have clothes strewn everywhere… The worse the apartment looks the worse I feel about not having it clean, and the longer I put it off…

Sometimes I just sit there, staring, thinking… I’m a burden, a horrible horrible burden. Secretly the Hedgehog hates me. I’m useless. I have failed at being an adult, the one thing I am, he hates me… What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I do anything right? Everything I’ve ever done from the day I was born until this moment right here has all been for nothing. I’ve failed at everything I’ve ever done.

... I spend whole days without pants...

I even fail at average, normal, tasks. Every time I try to make tea I always forget the water’s on boiling and by the time I check on it, half of it has turned to steam and is floating around my kitchen, angering the moldy tile.

... It's disappointed in me, too...

There is no such thing as laundry day. We wash the clothes twice a month when we have money for the Laundromat downstairs, and that’s if we have the money at all. Which means we wash a ton of dirty clothes in the middle of the night randomly… and sometimes we don’t fold it. We just leave the clothes in the hamper and pull them out when we need to get dressed.

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Also, our sink is the tiniest sink ever. It makes three dishes look like we haven’t washed them in two weeks. So sometimes… I look at the sink, and feel like a horrible person… I’m useless, I’m a burden… a failure… I’m dirty and disgusting and the Hedgehog hates me… I even try berating myself to make me get up and do it, but it never works.