My Awesome Birthday Story

My mom used to tell me a really pretty story about how I was born; or, at least pretty as far as my mom was concerned. She was a really blunt woman who never beat around the bush and said things the way they were; the result is that she tried to tell a pretty little tale, but a few weird details kept sneaking in there that just sort of… added a sense of wrongness. So here is my story the way my mom used to tell it to me, with pictures drawn by me.

“I wanted a little girl so badly, I used to pray all the time. ‘Please God, just give me a little girl.’ Every day I would pray, I wanted you so badly. A little girl I could  love and dress up and take care of. And then one day I was outside, looking up at the sky, wishing on the stars for you, and I saw it: a shooting star. I closed my eyes and I wished so badly for you. ‘Please, please give me a little girl. It’s all I want.’ A few weeks later, I was pregnant with you.

“See, me and your daddy had been trying for a while to get pregnant again after we had to give up your brother; we wanted a child of our own, and I’d  always wanted a little girl. I didn’t have it so easy growing up, and I told myself that I would be better than my mom. I would give you everything you wanted, and we’d be happy. I’ve tried my damndest, too. It’s hard, though…

“Anyway. You were supposed to be born on the 22nd, but when it go close, I just couldn’t wait anymore. I wanted you right then, I wanted you now. So I took some castor oil and mixed it with ketchup  and drank it, and it wasn’t  an hour later I started going into contractions. I was in labor with you for hours, but it didn’t hurt that much, honestly. I could’ve given birth to you myself if I hadn’t already had a c-section with your brother. The only bad thing is I was in labor so long you were born on your aunt’s birthday…”

The face of pure evil...

Yeah, she’d get derailed by that and the cute little story would normally venture off, though sometimes she’d stay on track long enough to tell me, “And when I saw you and held you in my arms, I loved you instantly.”

My dad? When I was little he told me, “When you were born, you farted so hard you flew around the room like a rocket and landed in my arms.”

When I got older, after my mom died, he broke it to me straight: “Your mom forced you out two weeks early because she couldn’t wait another two more weeks to start drinking again… and maybe she wanted to see you, too.”

Thanks for shattering my dreams, dad…

You Know You Play Too Much Assassin's Creed When...

I’m a bit of a clingy person, I can’t help it, really… Abandonment issues and all. The Hedgehog normally handles it very well, especially when it means right before he leaves I follow his every single movement from about a foot away from him at farthest, following him as he puts on his shoes and coat and gets ready to leave for work.

Hi! I was just following you from three inches away as you moved to get your keys!

The other day however, he got a little upset and demanded to know what I was  doing. Without thinking my  first reply was,  “Stalking you.” … And thus the greatest game ever was born.

You have no idea what's about to happen!

I crept in closer and moved quietly, following him as he crossed in front of the bed. “You’re not doing a very good job, I’ve noticed you.” He told me,  but I was undeterred: “Of course you have, it’s just the two of us in here.”

... Would you notice me if we were in a crowded room...?

Aw crap, it's flashing yellow... time to blend...

Well, since he had spotted me, I ducked behind something as he went to the closet, bowing my head and pressing my hands together to blend, peeking ever so  often around the corner to check on him. A couple of times he looked at me and laughed, but that was only because he had yet to realize he was my  target.

... What's he doing by that closet...?

No, seriously, what's he doing?

Finally he kept his back turned long enough that I could make my move. Quickly and silently I darted across the room, flicking out my hidden blade and aiming for his throat, but at the last second he suddenly turned, driving a dagger into my upper thigh. How could I not have seen that he was an assassin as well?

Getting hit in the leg does hurt...

Especially with a knife.

 I lost my balance and fell into him, trying one last time to take out my target, thrusting my  hidden blade for his throat, but I had been exposed!

Yikes! And away!

Where's a bale of hay when you need one?

 I fled quickly and hid myself, waiting until surely my target had forgotten...

Boop!

Resynchronization and my wounds heal!

 At which point I strode back out…

... What's he doing...?

My sync bar senses something...

But now he was flinging throwing knives at me from across the room! One hit me in the stomach, the other my shoulder, while another grazed my leg. I was injured, but no vital spots had been hit, I would get him yet!

Markers can hurt.

In reality I would've bled to death later...

As I lunged for him he grabbed a sword and swung it,  but I blocked it with my hidden blade, then grabbed the sword and pushed it away, pulling out my own short blade with which to do battle. But then he pulled out a small knife and we paused the game for a moment because I didn’t wanna hurt him or get hurt with real weapons, so he traded the blade for nun chucks made of Wii remotes.

He dropped those quickly however and went for the door, grabbing up a book. I followed him though and shanked him quickly… but he was civilian, worse, a holy man! How had this happened?

I'm changing the rules mid-game!

...

So I stalked him a bit and decided he needed to be interrogated…

I can't shank you, but I can punch you!

TELL ME WHAT YOU KNOW!

What IS This...? I Don't Even...

Figure this one out...

Happiness Forever

On the way home from watching the Terror and the Spawn today, a day so awful I'm reluctant to even begin making pictures of the chaos for a blog post, I saw something magical...

I saw a shooting star...

 I closed my eyes and wished the first wish I could wish for: I wished the Hedgehog and I could be together and happy forever.

When the father of the Spawn and Terror dropped me off in the parking lot, it was to see that Hedgehog was only just leaving for work. He was running a little late. This never happens. I never get to see him right as he's leaving when I've been watching the Terror, and he's rarely if ever late. We talked a bit and he told me we had internet again, he'd paid it for the month, and I let off a bit of steam about the day, and I promised to meet him at work like I hadn't done in forever, and I went inside.

This is something like what the apartment looked like when I left this morning:

Only worse.

And this is what I came home to:

Gods above, he must've been bored out of his mind to do this!

... After my day... this was amazing... I also felt the usual horror of being so bad at being an adult he had to be one for me, but dear gods above, he cleaned the whole thing!

Fub Your Macaroni!

A while back the Hedgehog bought a crap load of macaroni to make some sort of tuna/egg salad thing with… Well, we were running low on food this week, but we had Italian dressing and balsamic vinegar, so I thought I could make cheap pasta salad, sans all the tasty stuff I like to add in like tomatoes, cucumbers, cheese, boiled egg, olives, peas, bell peppers… bacon.

The huge box of macaroni made a huge pot full… it was way more than it looked like… The Hedgehog has pointed out that “it’s dried pasta, it gets bigger when hydrated” but at the time I simply didn’t think about… Should’ve known better, but I didn’t…

Now he won’t let me live down the huge pot of vinegary pasta in the fridge.

 

I informed him, “Congrats. You and your damned pasta make it in the blog.”

Oh! I said a while back that the Hedgehog didn’t know about the blog because I was keeping it from him so I could vent and not hurt his feelings, but he found out… I’m horrible at keeping secrets from him, at least my own secrets. I keep other peoples secrets for years, but not my own… He was fine with it, he said the only reason he wasn’t angry was because the pictures helped. See, I told you my pictures help! Besides, how would I have hidden the sudden $200 if Google had given it to me?

An Anger Too Great for Words...

... If you've read the last couple of blog posts, you might wonder exactly why it is I haven't mentioned anything really about Google canceling my ads and taking away the near $200 I was going to get paid that me and the Hedgehog needed for survival this week since his money is going to the new LoZ game...

... This is because I am possessed by an anger too great for words...

You see, in order to activate an adsense account with Google, you go through a lot. First they have to approve your blog, then confirm your e-mail address, then confirm your phone number by calling it, then you have to give them your ssn, then they send you a pin in the mail to confirm your real address which you input into their site... It's a long process.

I had just received my pin and was getting online to confirm it so I could have them send me my check when I discovered that Google had disabled my account due to "invalid clicks". Just so we're clear: do not click my ads because you love me, I am in no way encouraging you to do it. I knew immediately who it was... I shall call him... the Alien.

You see, the Alien is a well-meaning but strange fellow, and he thought he could help me get money by spamming my blog and ads, clicking all of them rapidly as often as possible... For Google this is an extremely strict no-no. They don't care who does it, they don't care that some companies pay people to click on their ads all day, all they care is that it happened on my blog... and they took all my money and gave it to the companies, the same companies who sometimes cheat the system by spamming ads...
(... Heh... shoutout...)

CLICK ALL THE ADS!?

 But for me, it was the Alien. He spammed my blog with clicks, Google saw this and took back the money he made me, and I told him to stop and thought it was the end of it... but it wasn't for Google, oh no... I was a threat to them, so they shut me down.

And when I see the Alien, he's dead... he owes me $200...

... Won't even see it coming...

All You Need to Know About Kit

I decided it would be awesome if, for my 15th post, I told everybody about me!

Hi, everybody!

 My name is Kit, not really, but it is.

This is me when I was little! I had blonde, straight, hair back then!

Wasn't I cute?

If you really want this explained, go here.

I live in a hospital with Ceiling Cat.

He protects me while I sleep!

 Oh, also who lives there is my super awesome boyfriend, the Hedgehog.

I don't really have a job yet, but for now I have been charged with watching the Terror until she enters kindergarten.

Pictured here: pure chaos

 And I'm easily terrified of unknown situations!

And I have three super awesome not-quite really little sisters!

This is Hunny.

This is Jess.

And this is Lulu.

So yeah, that's basically all you need to know.

Aren't I awesome?

Oh, yeah! And I'm supposed to encourage you to comment, subscribe, link this blog, send it to your friends... If you do all that, you can help me earn a little bit of self-esteem just by making you laugh or brightening your day while I vent my spleen a little and share things that make me smile, laugh, cry, and scream. And how awesome it to do something that makes you happy and get rewarded for it?

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