Showing posts with label pout. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pout. Show all posts

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

I Had a Thought

My art is gonna suck until I relearn this...

This might not come as a surprise to a lot of you, but... I think I've been depressed. All this time, without me knowing it, I've been toeing the line on depression, and I had no idea. It explains a lot... I kept trying to be normal, but it kept backfiring: I got absorbed with the internet and neglected everything as a way to pretend my problems weren't there, and the blog was sorta like... this crazy way for me to TRY to do something good and normal, but at the same time, it too was backfiring at me.

I started treating the blog like this whole crazy job. If I could post a day, then I was normal. It explains why I suddenly stopped: days were adding up, the longer without, the less normal I felt, the harder it was to pretend... But I think I'm okay now. I talked with the Hedgehog, played a little bit of FF XII, wrote a little, and even cleaned up the apartment all on my own because I wanted to.
Afterwards I felt kind of... refreshed and cleansed, and happy, like I'd cleaned myself. I think I'm gonna try again, but it's gonna be some slow work...

But I still have a long way to go before I'm ever "normal". You just don't go through what I did growing up and come out the otherside normal. Sure, I put on my brave face and act fine, but I'm pretty damaged in the head, and I don't think any amount of acting is gonna cover that. I've been betrayed and abandoned, hurt and abused, and despite learning to survive, I never learned how to live. I don't know how to laugh and smile around strangers, I don't know how to walk out into the world on my own, at least not without someone beside me or some kind of crazy stubborn/prideful streak driving me to do it.

So I'm gonna start over again, from the top, starting slow. No rushing in. Just you, me, this blog, and me trying to be funny and trying to get a job. And maybe a haircut, because seriously, look at my hair now, and look at my hair from my first post... that is realtime hair growth, people.

Friday, December 9, 2011

I Don't Wanna Be An Assassin Anymore...


 Assassin's Creed

Your contract Assassins, is Link from the Legend of Zelda!!

Our scouts have discovered that you will find him at G4TV's Videogame Deathmatch.
Here is your feather, you know how we want you to return it to us...
I won't do it Link, I won't...
When your fandom asks you to kill one of your favorite characters from another fandom... What would you do?

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Thanksgiving

So I couldn't come up with a way to get out of going with the Hedgehog to his mom's house today. Mostly it was because he was so damned supportive and told me to stop freaking out. See, one of the benefits of this blog is that, as a socially awkward person who's terrified of confrontation, I can put my thoughts up here that I could never say aloud, because writing on the internet doesn't scare me as much.
Because on the internet, I feel like a boss.
This means the Hedgehog saw my last post, laughed at the thought of me trying to sneak off, told me I was ridiculous, and we had a normal conversation about how I should handle Thanksgiving today.
I felt like someone going into battle...
So I spent the whole day laughing with his step-sisters, both of which are either just going into high school or already are, but both of them are hilarious and awesome so it doesn't matter, and I pretty much felt like I actually fit in for once, aside from some awkwardness. See, I met them before and they make me feel comfortable, so I'm just fine with them.

... Whaddaya know...? This isn't so bad...! Whooo!
When it came time to come home, however, both the Hedgehog's mom and the Terror's mom offered to drive us. At the same time. In the same car. I thought this would be the confrontation I'd been expecting...
Oh gods...
Except it never happened...


Surprisingly, this makes me feel worse.
But they're driving the Hedgehog to work, so I'm almost positive it's happening there... or worse, they'll drive back and talk to me... alone... without the Hedgehog... oh gods...
Edit: It's been 45 minutes, so they're not coming back.
Still terrified.
In fact, the only thing I do know at this point, is that there's a 99% chance I won't be watching the Terror ever again...

... She's my Chick Pea...
Edit: Okay, so they didn't talk to the Hedgehog either... but even he agreed it was suspicious and he'd been a little weirded out when they didn't talk to us on the way home.

Friday, November 11, 2011

Saving Throw

 So Hedgehog and me were reading Hyperbole and a Half (mostly me... only me, but when I laughed he came to look) and I saw this picture of Allie looking pretty hot (and festive!). So I said, "Hey, Hedgehog! You know the Hyperbole-lady? Come look!"

So he wandered over and took a look and announced, "I'm leaving you for her."

I was okay with it, because damn, he'd get someone prettier and funnier! I love the Hedgehog, he deserves spontaneous insanity and tons of happiness.

A few minutes later I saw this one post where she was in a bikini (I was reading the ones from the beginning of the blog) making this crazy face, so I had him come look. He announced, "Okay, I'm back with you."

It didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out why. "It's because she's flat chested, isn't it?" I asked, and he confirmed with a, "I like boobs. They're your saving throw."

Well, I laughed at him. "I'm so putting this in the blog, you know. Wait till I tell everyone that my only saving grace is my boobs-" Well, there was going to be more, but he cut me off. "I said saving throw, not grace. Haven't you ever played D&D?" There was a pause at which point he realized that despite being a nerd, I hadn't... In fact, the only thing ever stopping me from playing was my fear of being social with other nerds...

 So Hedgehog shook his head, "You have to put that in there. Then I make a boob joke and a D&D joke."

... I'm dating the most awesome man-child ever.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

I Will Never Be a Housewife (Or an adult)

For a full year I lived at a place called the Church of God Children’s Home. It was one of the worst experiences I’ve ever had in my entire life. It was literally an orphanage run by Holy Rollers (not exaggerating, in the church they forced me to go I experienced these things: )

Because apparently only possessed people  cry in church...
... I really wish this wasn't an exact quote...
Anyway, at this orphanage they tried to force me to be an adult. It wasn’t so bad, the place was so clean all I had to do was wash my clothes once a week, on my designated washing day, wash my own dishes, sweep my floor, keep my things put up, and make my bed.

That wasn’t so hard, really. Maintaining something  is easy when you yourself never make much of a mess, of course… The Home treated it all like a life or death situation…
"But I was running late for school..."
"NO EXCUSES!"
"I just finished eating..."
"NO EXCUSES!"
"You tracked it in..."
"NO EXCUSES!"
My everyday was like this. It was pretty horrible. I was expected to be perfect at every single thing I did and if I showed weakness for even a second then it was dragged in front of me and everyone else so they could see it too. Eventually they kicked me out for, and I quote, “being immature, unreliable, untidy, a slacker, unmotivated, you never take responsibility for your actions, failure to comply or conform…”  They even tried to call me out on the incident with the Halloween Cat

Despite all of that,  however, I felt like I knew how to survive on my own. After all, they had nitpicked at me and had only pointed out the few times I'd failed, over all I had succeed at 90% of the things they claimed I needed to know to be an adult. It was only after I moved in with the Hedgehog that I learned that, while I’m perfectly capable of keeping my room clean, that they definitely were not preparing me for the reality of being an adult living with someone.


I fail at being a housewife.

Yes, yes you do...
 I’m good at taking care of my own mess, but living at the Home had never prepared me for the fact that I would be one day living with and taking care of the messes of someone else. So the apartment tends to have clothes strewn everywhere… The worse the apartment looks the worse I feel about not having it clean, and the longer I put it off…

Sometimes I just sit there, staring, thinking… I’m a burden, a horrible horrible burden. Secretly the Hedgehog hates me. I’m useless. I have failed at being an adult, the one thing I am, he hates me… What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I do anything right? Everything I’ve ever done from the day I was born until this moment right here has all been for nothing. I’ve failed at everything I’ve ever done.
... I spend whole days without pants...
I even fail at average, normal, tasks. Every time I try to make tea I always forget the water’s on boiling and by the time I check on it, half of it has turned to steam and is floating around my kitchen, angering the moldy tile.
... It's disappointed in me, too...
 There is no such thing as laundry day. We wash the clothes twice a month when we have money for the Laundromat  downstairs, and that’s if we have the money at all. Which means we wash a ton of dirty clothes in the middle of the night randomly… and sometimes we don’t fold it. We just leave the clothes in the hamper and pull them out when we need to get dressed.
4R93DM787SBF
Also, our sink is the tiniest sink ever. It makes three dishes look like we haven’t washed them in two weeks. So sometimes… I look at the sink, and feel like a horrible person… I’m useless, I’m a burden… a failure… I’m dirty and disgusting and the Hedgehog hates me… I even try berating myself to make me get up and do it, but it never works.
"WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!"
So I put it off for a couple of days, feeling infinitely worse about myself every time I don’t wash them.
The Home was wrong about something, though. Me and the Hedgehog never make the bed, and it doesn’t make us any less adult for it…

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

I'mma Pop A Cap in Dat Biiatch

WHAT!? You ain't never seen a gangsta-Roma before?!
 Hedgehog doesn’t believe I’ll do it, he says I don’t have the skills, but I’ll do it, I swear…
This is a face that doesn't believe in my skillz.
He’s just not aware that I’ll kick that lady’s ass if she gets him in trouble again, I’ll do it, I swear!
... I will...
 Yeah, on top of everything else that happened last night, I found out from my Hedgehog that the new assistant manager managed to lose $100 so he was short on the register when he was closing tonight. He got in so much trouble for it that he almost got fired, despite the fact that for almost two months he was one of only two people working there and is still basically the only one who closes the store…

And the manager doesn’t trust him that much? Really? After working there for nearly a year? I mean, really?! This lady flips out on him over the tiniest little things and acts like it's his fault! A customer attacks him in the store (verbally) and when the Hedgehog (who has a bad temper) manages to keep calm she yells at him over it. The manager seriously treats him bad, but I’ve heard about how when a woman at the store messes up she doesn’t say a thing about it. Double standards work both ways people! Women can be just as sexist towards men!
Watch me!
Grr… I’mma really pop a cap in dat bitch… in... in... in both the bitches!
Pout...
No, seriously. I’mma do it!
... Still doesn't think I haz the skillz...
Anyway, yeah, I’m just upset… Regardless of whether or not I can physically do something like that, I’m just not capable of it. I may’ve grown up in places where that kind of thing was pretty common, hell, I currently live in one of those places, but I’m not gonna stick my neck out and get it cut short over two crappy biznitches cause they be screwing with my Hedgehog…

On second thought, that sounds like a good reason to do it…
... See if I don't...

Share it