I was standing in my high school theater’s bathroom. I had picked this bathroom because I knew no one would be in here in the middle of my lunch, while the one off the lunchroom would be filled with many, many other girls and that would not be good for today; not for this. (Of course it's empty, technically it's the bathroom that's supposed to be used only by the people in the theater. How did you get in? Did the teacher let you in? Also, if a few more words were added in and this was split up, it would sound a lot better...) I was staring at the clock on my cell phone. Two minutes had passed, one more and I would look(, or;) but I was so scared to look,(. or;) what if it said what I thought it would? (This whole next part should really be another paragraph...) I was a straight A student, and not just straight A but a 4.0 student. (... Hun, a straight A student is a 4.0 GPA student, there isn't a difference. Also, this sentence so doesn't fit...) 11:05, three minutes had passed,(.) Slowly (Technically correct if it were a new sentence.) I looked away from my phone and at the test that I had placed on the bathroom sink,(; or .) I stared, what it was saying was not registering in my head, yet it was so very easy to read. (... Pregnancy tests are easy to read...? Also, she could've used a : here.) Pregnant. Clear as day. But (While according to grammar rules, starting a sentence like this is incorrect, when writing you should always write so it feels natural and easy to read, and when in first person like this is, you write in the character's voice... so I'll let this one slide.) I couldn’t be pregnant, I was not (Remember the writing in the character's voice thing? A conjunction would have done that and made it feel right, instead the 'was not' makes it feel stiff.) even sixteen yet (Fifteen year olds can't get pregnant?), and we had always been so very careful. (I feel like the following should be another paragraph too...) We had always used a condom and I was on birth control (, and) I had not missed a day,(. or ;) I was to (too) paranoid for that; (Second time she uses a semicolon and a period would work better. Also, to make this sound more... true, I guess you could say, an explanation of how she got pregnant while on birth control having never missed a day and with a condom every time would help. Like, "I was worried because it had broken and now I was two weeks late." You know... something. Sperm doesn't just magically wiggle out through the latex.) I’d had to be certain that this wouldn’t happen, (. or;) I was only fifteen and how could I be a straight A student with a baby? (Single mom's in college pull it off, and with supportive parents it's not as hard as you'd think; but at that age when you're that immature and just not ready, it can be almost impossible if you don't step up and shape up.) How could I get into veterinary school? (... Eventually? There's things called GED and online classes.)
I picked up the test and through (threw) it in the trashcan. I was sure it was wrong, that the test had somehow been defective; but then that was why I had gotten this test, the expensive early response digital test pregnancy test, (Test test test, did I mention it was a test? I used the digital test pregnancy test to test my test! Sorry... Also, : or ;) I had not wanted a wrong answer. (Most pregnancy tests have a 3% margin of error, and several things can cause false positives and false negatives. In fact, having an embryo that's already on its way out of your body can trigger a false positive. It's correct because technically there's an embryo, it's false because you won't be pregnant in a day; also, since the thought flow ends here, this could be the end of this paragraph.) I turned away and walked back to the lunchroom(,) grabbing my things (The way this sentence reads now, she grabbed her things while walking, not grabbed her things, then walked away... Also, it could be interpreted as the lunchroom is grabbing her things.), (;) it had to be wrong, it just had to be. (While I know what was wrong, you should always say if it isn't in the sentence already.) I was walking slowly, slower then I normally did(, or ;) but it just seemed so unreal. (The pregnant thing, or the walking slowly thing?) Was I really pregnant? (Thanks for clearing that up.) My hand went to my lower stomach, (;) could there really be a baby in there? And how on earth was I going to tell Dougal? (Okay, this name makes me laugh, but when she gets to descriptions a few more paragraphs down, it makes sense: Dougal in an anglicized version of a Gaelic name meaning black stranger.)
“Anarsa!” (I looked it up: anarsa is a Hindu pastry most commonly made of powdered rice soaked in water for three days.) I looked to my right and saw Dougal looking at me from where he was sitting with a couple of his friends who didn’t mind sitting with the two of us. (So glad he has friends who tolerate you.) I walked over to him realizing that I had walked passed (past, in this case; if she'd said she had passed their table while walking, it would be different.) our table. “Are you okay? You were gone for a long time,” he said quietly to me as I sat back down next to him and looked at what was left on my lunch tray.
(Not actually a part of this story...) “I’m okay, just out of it today,” I responded as I picked up the chocolate pudding that was sitting happily on my plate. ( I liked this sentence so much, I drew a picture!) I smiled at him as I plunged my spoon into my pudding (Cute pudding, nooo!You were my friend! Seriously though, with the way she wrote it was happy, and then "smiled at him"... Was she smiling at the pudding before she murdered him? And plunged... plunged is such a violent verb for pudding eating...), (.) Dougal was the most important person to me, (:) he was my best friend(,) and if that pregnancy test had been right, then he was also the father of my baby. “I was just up late last night studying.” I said as I put the pudding in my mouth. (New paragraph!) Instantly I regretted eating it (I'd regret eating that happy pudding, too...). I jumped up and was at the nearest trashcan barfing my guts out (Don't know what's wrong with this sentence? She didn't jump up and run to the nearest trashcan, she jumped up and the nearest trashcan was already there.). All of my doubts about really being pregnant were squashed in that moment. I never threw up unless I was very, very sick(,) and sick I was not. (It could have been the pudding, most people throw up right away if something tastes bad... or screams in pain as you shove spoons into their brains and eat them...) The nausea that I had been having the past few weeks had finally boiled over. The nausea(,) plus the fact that I was three weeks late(,) was the whole reason I had taken the pregnancy test. (It takes a full week normally before an egg is considered implanted and you're officially pregnant, looking at this she could only be pregnant two weeks at most, and while morning sickness has been reported as early as three weeks, it normally starts around four or six weeks or sometimes not at all.)
I looked away from the trashcan to find that Dougal was standing beside me(,) his face filled with worry. How was I going to tell him that I was pregnant? He was not ready to be a father yet and I certainly was not ready to be a mother. “I’m okay,” I whispered and leaned against him(,) burying my face in his chest and closing my eyes.
“I don’t believe you.” Dougal said quietly to me “come on, let’s get you to the nurse so that you can go home and get better.” He wrapped an arm around me and we started walking to the nurse. I wanted to tell him that I should stay here and go to class, that it was just morning sickness(,) but I just could not. I could not tell him that I was pregnant. My mind ran through my options,(; or .) I could have the baby and Dougal and I could raise it; but what if Dougal left me? What if two years from now he were to meet someone better than me? What would I do then? I would not be able to do this on my own, I would not be able to have a job and go to school and raise a baby. (All of this makes a lot of sense... until you learn that she has two very highly supportive moms... Would they really abandon her to do that all on her own?) So maybe I would be better of (off) giving the baby up or maybe getting an abortion. I had always been pro-choice but I had never thought that it was the right option for me. But maybe abortion would be the right option for me; I had never thought I would ever get pregnant in high school(,) let alone in my sophomore year. How on earth was I going to be a 4.0 student if I had a baby? I would have to completely change the plan that I had for my life, becoming a vet would be completely out of the question, school might not even be in the question. (The wording here is awkward...)
I was pretty sure I was much to (too) selfish to give the baby up for adoption. (You don't want anyone else to have the baby, but you're willing to think about abortion? Because that makes so much sense: if I can't have the baby, no one can.) And then there was Dougal (; or . or , or... I don't know, the wording is too awkward after this, the and throws it off.) and (This and has no place being here.) I knew that he would not be okay with adoption, he would rather raise the baby himself without me then to give the baby to someone else. (Wow, what's wrong with adoption? You're teenagers and you don't think you can do it on your own, but adoption is less of an option than abortion?) If I got an abortion then no one would ever have to know that I was pregnant, (. or ;) no one. I could just say I had caught some stomach flu and no one would second guess me.(;) Dougal would never have to know about the baby. But if I were to get an abortion then I could never tell Dougal, he would leave me in a heartbeat if he knew, (;) he hated abortion, hated everything about abortion. If he could erase abortion from the entire planet, he would. (Many people feel the same way.) He would never forgive me for killing his child, (; also, I fee like a because could be used here) that is how he’d always seen it, (:) as the murder of a helpless child. I had never thought of it that way, even after we had talked about our views on it.(;) But I do not want to keep that kind of a secret from him, I have never been good at keeping secrets from him and keeping something like getting an abortion would just be too much for me to keep from him.(Keep keep keep...)
The knocking on the nurse’s door brought me out of my internal ramblings, and I looked up at Dougal. (Before I start to edit this part, a word to all future writers: if you post your stories on the internet I will find you and relentlessly edit them. Just joking, but seriously now; when you write a story, always put little bits of descriptions throughout, not all at once. It flows better and means you won't have blocks of meaningless prose devoted to descriptions.) He was a few years older than me. (How old? If she'd connected this sentence and the next, it would've felt better.) He was a senior and had just turned eighteen yesterday. (And we aren't celebrating his birthday, why?) His eyes were brown, his hair was a dark brown(,) and he was about six feet and six inches tall; he was(,) to say simply(,) tall(,) dark and handsome.(Pfft, cliche alert! Also, as I said earlier, the name Dougal means black stranger. Way to pick a name!) I (,) on the other hand(,) had dark blond hair and green eyes(,) and was only about five feet and five inches tall (By the way, in the real world she's close to 6' and he's shorter and reminds us (my siblings and I) of a middle-aged policeman). Everyone said we made a cute couple(,) though I always felt like a dwarf in his presence(;) and when we first met he had intimidated me,(.) it had taken a while for me to realize that he was one of, if not the(,) sweetest guy(s) I had met. (New paragraph!) The door opened and I was again ripped from my internal ramblings. (She spends too much time in her head.) “Yes?” she asked looking between the two of us.
“Anarsa just got sick in the lunchroom,” Dougal said before I could move my thoughts from him and the pregnancy to explain why Dougal thought I should be seeing the nurse.
She sighed and looked at me “did you really?” she asked raising an eyebrow and (And not needed, could've just ended that sentence...) I nodded “do I need to get a janitor to clean it up? Or is there already one doing it?
“No, I made it to a trashcan.” I said quietly. I had never gone home sick before, well at least not since I’d started high school (. or;) I would tough it out and be (Stay would sound better) at school so that I wouldn’t miss anything and wouldn’t get behind. But since I wasn’t ready to explain to Dougal or the nurse why it wasn’t something to worry about(,) I was just going to (have to) accept that I was going (coming would sound better) home from school today and getting some rest,(; or .) which honestly sounded really good as I was very tired from my very late study session the night before and the shock of getting the positive pregnancy test seemed to have taken the last of the energy that I had out of me. (Are you tired from the study session and the shock, or were you already tired and then the test shocked the rest of your energy away? Punctuation, hon, even I don't know which one makes more sense here.)
“Alright,” the nurse said and walked back into her office(,) leaving the door open for Dougal and I to follow her in. Dougal(,) being the gentleman that he was(,) pulled out the chair in front of her for me. “What is your mother’s number?” she asked me(,) picking up the phone and hitting nine and (and not needed, another comma would've worked...) waiting for me to relay the number to her.
“960-480-1458” (Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa... Never, ever, ever, give out your real number on the internet. While I don't know if this is hers or not, or belongs to someone she knows, I know this is her area code...) I answered(,) and she dialed (Dialed what? Always put this, even if it seems obvious...) then handed the phone to me as it started ringing. This was one time I did wish that the nurse would talk to my mom and not me, I did not want to lie to her(,) but I wasn’t ready to tell Dougal(,) let along my mother(,) and I felt that Dougal really should know about the baby first. (How quickly she goes from "might be pregnant" to calling it "the baby".)
“Hello?” My mother said. (Well, asked... but most writers do things like this...)
“Hey mom, it’s me, (.) I’m in the nurses office because I got sick,”
“Oh Rissa, I’ll be there in half an hour,” she said using her personal nickname for me. (What? No "Oh, sweetie, are you alright?" Where's the dialog and the realistic characters?)
“Okay; thanks mom.” I said quietly.
“I love you Rissa.”
“I love you too mom, bye.”
“Bye.” she said and hung up.
I handed the phone back to the nurse. “She said she’ll be here in about half an hour.” The nurse nodded and said something that I was paying no attention too (to. Also, nice way to skip out having to flesh out your story and characters). I knew my mother would assume that it was just a stomach flu(,) but I wasn’t sure what she would do when it didn’t go away in the next couple days. (I don't know about you, but stomach bugs sometimes have lasting effects for weeks... Bloated belly, food not sitting well...) Dougal gently took my hand and we left headed back to the cafeteria for my things,(.) As we passed the theater my mind went back to the pregnancy test and I suddenly really wanted to have that test with me. (... There are so many things wrong with that... You want to carry around something you peed on? If I didn't know she hadn't done this in the real world, I'd say no one would be this nuts.) “Honey,” I said as I stopped walking. “I’m going to go to the bathroom in here,” I said pointing to the theater door, “Could you get my stuff and meet me back here, I’ll probably be a while.” (?)
“Sure,” Dougal said and gave me a hug before he went to get my things from the lunchroom. I turned and went back into the theater bathroom and looked in the trashcan,(;) the test was there on top of all the other trash, just as I had left it. I picked it back up and looked at it. (Ew... holding something she peed on...) Pregnant. (Fact: sometimes if a pregnancy test sits for a while, it gives false readings, the same goes for if it's checked too early!) Was what the little digital readout said to me (She needed to combine that pregnant with this sentence for it to read better.), but seeing it again now didn’t make it sink in any more or (make it) any more believable then the first time. My hand went slowly to my stomach and I looked in the mirror. What would I look like nine months from now if I decided to keep the baby and not get an abortion? Would I be like some women who never really got big or would I be like the women who look like they were having triplets when they were only having one; or somewhere in-between?
“Anarsa,” Dougal’s voice said through the door, “You okay in there?” he asked.
“Yeah, I’m fine,” I said(,) putting the test in my pants pocket (Her pee is now in her pocket...) and opening the door,(.) I smiled weakly at him and he just encased me in his arms. “I’m fine Dougal,” I said quietly.
He looked down at me as I looked up at him “I know you better then that, I know you are tired, and sick, and I know that something is not fine (Alright would work better...) with you. You can talk to me An, you know you can.”
“I know, I’ll talk to you about it some other time,(;) are you coming with me to wait for my mom?” (And skip class since they were at lunch when all this happened and she's going to be sitting around for thirty minutes?) I asked(,) changing the subject as I knew that I would just start telling him all about the baby if I didn’t(;) and I didn’t want him to know yet, not when I didn’t know what I was going to do.
“Yes, of course I am.” He said to me, giving me a tight squeeze. We walked back to the lunchroom and then out onto the benches in front of the school. “Just remember to talk to me when you are ready, I hate when there is something that’s bothering you.”
I smiled slightly at him and rested my head on his chest. He was always so very sweet. He really did care about me and that was something that I really did love about him. (Really?) I was glad that he was the father of my baby, (As opposed to...? And seriously, by calling it a baby at this stage, you're making it impossible for adoption or abortion to be options.) I was sure that he would be a great dad, that is, if I kept the baby. And if I was going to get an abortion(,) the sooner I got one the better it would be(,) for me at least,(; also, but) it would still destroy my relationship with Dougal and I really did not want to do that. I wanted us to be together forever(,) as lame as that sounds(, and it does sound lame, and sappy) and if I did keep the baby I knew he would step up, or at least I was pretty sure he would. (You can never be sure of men... And new paragraph!) I closed my eyes as I rested my head against Dougal, (;) abortion was my best option(,) but how would I really be able to do it? (Seriously... Abortion is better than adoption?!) I couldn’t drive, and I couldn’t have my mother take me. (You don't know about buses? You don't have friends you could trick into dropping you off near the building?) She would never go for that.(You might be surprised, most moms would be opposed to their little girls having to raise children, she might just, oh, I don't know: suggest adoption.) Dougal would never take me, not with his views on abortion, so how would I even be able to get the abortion? Maybe Adoption was better(,) but then I would have to tell everyone, and I would let my mother down so much.(Of course you would, having sex at the age of fifteen with an eighteen year old. That's illegal you know.)
The exciting conclusion to chapter one... at some later date!
Grammar rules to live by: too many to get into, all I can really say is punctuation, capitalization, an understanding of the English language, and a bonus rule called Fact Check.
Also, past and passed. You use passed when you're moving, but don't have a verb describing how you were moving, such as "I had passed the table" and you use past when you have a verb, "I walked past the table."
Also, a rule for aspiring writers: When writing in first person, always write as the character that things are being seen from; in fact, most of the time when writing from 3rd person you should pick a character in that scene whose views are painting the imagery.
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