Wednesday, February 29, 2012

I Had a Thought

My art is gonna suck until I relearn this...

This might not come as a surprise to a lot of you, but... I think I've been depressed. All this time, without me knowing it, I've been toeing the line on depression, and I had no idea. It explains a lot... I kept trying to be normal, but it kept backfiring: I got absorbed with the internet and neglected everything as a way to pretend my problems weren't there, and the blog was sorta like... this crazy way for me to TRY to do something good and normal, but at the same time, it too was backfiring at me.

I started treating the blog like this whole crazy job. If I could post a day, then I was normal. It explains why I suddenly stopped: days were adding up, the longer without, the less normal I felt, the harder it was to pretend... But I think I'm okay now. I talked with the Hedgehog, played a little bit of FF XII, wrote a little, and even cleaned up the apartment all on my own because I wanted to.
Afterwards I felt kind of... refreshed and cleansed, and happy, like I'd cleaned myself. I think I'm gonna try again, but it's gonna be some slow work...

But I still have a long way to go before I'm ever "normal". You just don't go through what I did growing up and come out the otherside normal. Sure, I put on my brave face and act fine, but I'm pretty damaged in the head, and I don't think any amount of acting is gonna cover that. I've been betrayed and abandoned, hurt and abused, and despite learning to survive, I never learned how to live. I don't know how to laugh and smile around strangers, I don't know how to walk out into the world on my own, at least not without someone beside me or some kind of crazy stubborn/prideful streak driving me to do it.

So I'm gonna start over again, from the top, starting slow. No rushing in. Just you, me, this blog, and me trying to be funny and trying to get a job. And maybe a haircut, because seriously, look at my hair now, and look at my hair from my first post... that is realtime hair growth, people.

Friday, February 24, 2012

I Am Sadface

It's kinda funny to be posting here after my month or so long hiatus... I guess it's because I never knew what to say? It's not really that there was nothing to say, because I had tons of opportunities... Every time me and the Hedgehog went to Wal-Mart and we saw a new Kit something, something I'd been planning on doing weekly... My overly ambitious 25 Awesome Legend of Zelda things post, even editing Cathrin's stupid story... I could've talked about how weird it was having the Terror finally treat me normally at Christmas, or how I finally got the courage to talk to the Hedgehog's family...

I could've talked about Ichibancon and how much fun I had, or about how Hunny's been acting selfishly and seems to not take as much interest in her friends anymore and how that's been bothering me. I could've talked about how I first met the Hedgehog, or said something on his birthday. I could've let him know how much I love him on Valentine's Day; I could've let him know I cared for him, and was thinking about him, and how much I hoped his grandfather would get better when he was in the hospital. I could've said something when his grandfather died, about how my heart went out to him, how I've been there, I know how it feels...

I could've mentioned the toxic shock syndrome scare, and how stupid hospitals are, or when my dad went missing and I was scared...

When I started learning to join the Kemetic Orthodoxy I could've posted. I could've joined the Wiccan blog project. I could've talked about how I got interested in Homestuck...

The truth is, the longer I went without posting, the worse I felt about doing it, and about myself. I'm not confident, though I try to be, and I'm not very brave, I guess... Looking at life around me, I put things off for as long as I can, and then I give it up, because I know I won't do it. It's how I've lived here this long and still not gotten a job, I do everything I can to not do what I have to do.

You have to admit, you didn't give me a reason to keep this blog up. No one cared what I wrote about, no one left comments, no one showed interest. I wanted a place to vent my spleen, sure, and this was fine for that, but... only my friends were reading it, and since they appeared in all of my posts basically... I started to get afraid, chicken out. I wanted to say something, and thought of them reading it...

I guess I'm posting this now because I know it'll get read, that the Hedgehog will read it... It's the only way I could ever say this to him. I'm sorry I'm so pathetic and weak, that I can't stand up for myself, and I'm too afraid to go outside; I'm sorry I'm broken and useless... But it hurts so much more because I keep thinking you're ashamed of me. It doesn't help that you don't let me be there for you, that you exclude me from things... Maybe it wouldn't bother me so much if I were stronger, but when you disappear to go spend time with family, I can't help but feel I'm being left  behind because you're ashamed of me. I'm weird and cagey, and I barely speak, and when I do I talk too loud and say things I shouldn't...

But I love you, and I left the house despite trying to talk myself out of it, and I'm saying things I'm saying things I'd never say, even if they are kinda not to your face... The point is, I'm trying, but I need your help; I'm broken, and I won't get fixed on my own. Treating me this way isn't helping. That's... all I have to say...

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